Back to God

All of my posts over the last 13 months have really been about baby Lucy but I am hoping to write a little about God today. Having a baby has made Dave and I do a lot of talking about God and all things spiritual. I guess a new little being will have that affect on you...make you evaluate everything. I've been thinking about my college career and studying the Bible. I graduated with a Bachelor's of Religious Education and an Associate of Arts-I did all that studying I guess so that I could have a career in what evangelicals call "the ministry." Although I loved my job as far as working with people and caring for them in their every day life, I hated the organization and leadership aspects of the church. So now having been out of ministry for over a year-I have just a couple thoughts.

*I am still paying for a college loan which gave me a degree that you could poop on in this job market. I had a great experience and made a lot of great friends, but I'm not sure how practical that major really is.

**Having studied all that Bible and taken Greek and Hebrew you might think I'm some sort of scholar, but really I am not. I don't know any more about the Bible than most people. The best experiences I've had with God have nothing to do with Greek or Hebrew.

***I used to think that it was important to answer the unknowns: Why is there suffering? Why do people get cancer? Does God send people to burn in hell? Now I don't really care. I guess I don't believe I'm ever going to know those answers this side of eternity, so what's the point. And if God did show me some sort of answer would it change the way I live here? I'm not sure it would. I'm trying to make the most of every day regardless of the answers.

****I've come to think that church is a very social place, and really enjoy the people I meet there. I also enjoy the encouragement we get from people who are in the same life circumstances as us. I just don't have a desire to go at all. I'm sure that condemns me to hell in some eyes. I don't have complaints about the preachers or the music, I just don't want to go. I'm not sure I'll get through this, maybe it's a phase. Dave and I are trying to live in community with others-sharing all things in common and so far this is going well.

*****I think I'm almost through the mess I made of myself, getting my ego stroked through ministry. That's right you read correctly but whether someone be outright arrogant, or insecure like me, ministry can fill that void for a while. I'm done using people to make me feel good about myself, it's empty and meaningless. Wherever I go there I am, so I'm learning to change me!!!

******Right now, I think about how to teach Lucy to be a caring, compassionate, responsible human being. I want her to know she was created and prayed for-that she is valuable. I want her to know that she is the best gift we've been given and we are trying to raise her as a gift to be shared with the world-no matter what she chooses to do with her life. I don't want her to feel the spiritual pressure I felt, and so we begin a new journey. Raising a spiritual child outside the walls of the church. What shall we do without Sunday school? (I won't lie she'll still probably go to VBS-it's so cool these days!-call me a hypocrite I know I am).

Baby Shower and Birthday Cake

It's been a busy time around here. Sunday my sister and sister-in-laws threw a baby shower for me. It was awesome. I am still overwhelmed by how much stuff people brought us. I don't know how we could do this alone, and I wouldn't want to try. I was very blessed to see most of my family and friends. This baby girl is going to be very loved. OH yes, and BABY GIRL IS RIGHT!! Ultrasound yesterday confirmed 100% girl. Here's what Loretta thinks of that news...

Also Monday was Dave's 37th birthday...so monday nite we went on a date night. We ate at Winchester's in Delta and I took him to see Slumdog Millionaire (great movie by the way, in my humble opinion). Then Tuesday nite, I put together a guys wing nite for him. A friend of mine from high school started decorating cakes and she is very talented. To honor the wings and beer man's nite out-she made a cake that looked like chicken wings and beer. It turned out great, I think.

Accountability (More Thoughts on Faith...)

Warning: I am about to venture out and talk about faith again. I've been thinking about a concept that came up when I first came to the Protestant movement. I grew up Catholic, until my junior year of high school, when I was "born again"-baptized and left the Catholic church. I don't look at it that way now, but that's another entry.
There is a term used highly among evangelicals, accountability. Some Christians involve themselves in small groups, or have a partner to attempt to remain accountable for his/her sins. Engaging in an accountability group means that as a Christian, you want others to call you out on your sins. It's a place you can go and confess, and others confess to you (kinda Catholic, eh?). It's also a place where you put your trust in others to help you determine right from wrong, get guidance, and wisdom, sometimes even discipline. (depending on the group/or partner-no I never knew anyone who got spanked). This accountability that you have, as I understood it is to help you grow deeper in your spiritual walk and submit to God doing what is right. You know, narrow is the road-much easier to stay on if people help you. I am not going to tear apart this term or concept...I've just been thinking about it. Many times I went to these kind of groups, or even at one point had some partners myself. I wonder though, if this was the beginning of my problem with judging people.
I looked up the definition in Scripture (in context), as well as Webster's that always helps too. Here's what Webster's says: "an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions." The Bible does not use the word accountability, instead it prefers accountable. I've noticed that when I was in those groups I began to feel it my job as a Christian to hold other believers accountable for their actions, be they good friends or perfect strangers with Jesus fish on their cars. I not only had a moral compass, I intended on using mine to guide others toward the Light.
First I want to start with the story of Cain and Abel. Cain and Abel are the sons of Adam and Eve (you can read the whole story at http://www.biblegateway.com/ look up Genesis 4). Cain and Abel worked the fields and flocks to provide for their needs, and each gave sacrifices to God from their work. Abel gave God the fat portions from his first born calf, giving God the first and best of what was produced. Cain on the other hand brought some fruit from the soil he harvested. In the story Cain grew angry with God and jealous of his brother, because God favored Abel. God asks Cain why he is so angry and says something very interesting, "If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it."
This is not tough, God is telling Cain-don't be jealous of Abel for doing what is right. I think He is saying this is not a case of favoritism, you reap what you sow. It's just that simple. If you too do what is right, good, just-you will be accepted and feel that same favor. But if you keep slighting and cheating then sin is all you will ever deal with. Sin is a consequence of doing wrong. Not punishment-consequence, the result of an action. But Cain is so upset, the story continues and he murders Abel. Jealous, angry, and irritated with God he kills his own brother. I noticed two things about this story. First Abel was accountable only to God-he was doing what was right, according to God's plan for him. He did not judge his brother, rub it in, or even try to hold Cain accountable. That wasn't his job. The second thing I noticed is Abel wants the same favor his brother has but doesn't want to act as his brother does.
So, all that to get to this...I am not sure that accountability works well, the way I knew it. One can only be accountable to God for him/herself. My actions are not meant to be judged by other Christians. I have hear preachers say about accountability, "You are your brother's keeper." But the truth is you can't be. There is a simple truth in this story, listen to your gut-being a Christian is simple, religion is complicated. Love God and Love your Brother, it's like a gut instinct. (Let me clarify loving God is tough because I don't think we really know Him, apart from some one's interpretation from Him, but I don't think that's what He intended). Do what is right and good. I found, when I started doing what was right and good, I started judging others. Are they doing what I am doing? And if they aren't, why aren't they being punished? Why do they have more blessings than me, I do what is right! I'm accountable. they are no better than me.
Romans says this, "Now we know that whatever the law says, it says to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be silenced and the whole world held accountable to God."
What's going on in my spiritual walk...many people want to know. Well I'll tell you, my mouth is being silenced. I am not under the law-I am accountable to God. Thank goodness, a kind, compassionate, fair, sometimes incomprehensible, loving, just God. I am glad it's Him holding the world accountable and not me. Because as many times as I've judged the Almighty, for terrible things that happen here on earth, I know I would not be as gracious and kind to me, as He has. Accountability made me feel like a wretched sinner, not a free, loved human being. I am a sinner, saved by grace-trying not to keep sinning, so sin isn't messing up my life so much.
And the biggest sin that I struggle with as a Christian -JUDGING/COMPARING (same difference in my book). For the record, if I ever made you feel like I was better than you, I am not. If I ever looked down on you, I shouldn't have. If I ever tried to hold you accountable for your actions, I am sorry. I murdered many Abel's in my life, and I am letting the blogging world know-there's hope for even a self-righteous human being like me.

Coming Soon...MORE THOUGHTS ON FAITH

It's been quite awhile since my last post. I guess I was just giving it time to simmer. I've gotten quite a bit of response, not just on my blog...but even seen that there are some silent readers. What's amazing to me is the amount of people that seem to be in the same place as us. They desire something different but don't know what to do. I am hoping that in the next couple weeks I will be able to write a few more thoughts, but in the mean time, I wanted to thank all of you. Thank you for reading, understanding, and not judging. That means a lot to me. I can't wait to write some more and hear from more people. In the next week or so I hope to write some more, so please check in and let me know your thoughts.

In other news, our baby girl is growing strong. And I feel her move a lot more these days. I am starting to really get excited about meeting her. I also invite any of you who have name suggestions to leave them on my blog or facebook. We would love to hear your thoughts.

Thoughts on Faith, for now...

Dave and I have been on somewhat of a retreat from church. Sure to concern most of our sincere Christian friends, it’s been about 6 months straight since we haven’t been to a Sunday morning service. That’s about 24 times, we’ve intentionally skipped church. At first it was just nice, to rest-having worked at churches since my junior year of college. Not going to church has lead people down many roads, I’m sure…I’ve even read many books about their experiences and thoughts, but I think I’m coming to some conclusions in our experience that may be different from what you’d typically expect.
The first few months, it’s just nice to know what’s really meant by “Easy like Sunday mornings,” no pressure, very little expectation, just the husband and the pups all snuggled in bed-reading and cuddling. I never worried if the nursery volunteers showed up, or if I’d hurt someone’s feelings by not saying hello, or even if the sermon I was going to preach was from God. Nope, I just lay there with my book and our Sunday ahead of us wondering how God would show us His love in a fresh way that day. Some days we talked about scriptures and prayed, most we didn’t. Many days we made breakfast, sipped on coffee, read, and watched movies. It took a few months, just for me to lighten up-be okay with the fact that I wasn’t at church, doing stuff for God. But I’m really starting to enjoy Sundays with my scrambled eggs, bacon, family, and bible.
After a few months of our absence, many good Christian friends expressed concern for us: What about fellowship? Where do you get fed? How do you worship? Where do you serve? You’re so gifted, why aren’t you using that? I was never offended by there expression of love and concern for our spiritual lives, but I never came up with an answer for them. I tried to explain, I couldn’t. How can you explain something that you don’t really understand yourself? I just had this feeling deep down that this is what God wanted for us, for the time being. I always felt badly though because I couldn’t offer an explanation that would satisfy all of those concerns. At times I even felt guilty because the questions made me think maybe we were doing something that God would be mad at us about. Maybe soon our finances, health, or jobs would be taken from us for our lack of faithfulness. I wondered if we were bearing any good fruit in our lives, and if there wasn’t any fruit, how would people see us? What would they think? Would they wonder if we even believed anymore?
There were other things though, we really wondered about church. I mean the purpose, the structure, the leaders …what were we doing? Did God really like it this way? Sometimes we drew conclusions that He didn’t like church or approve of the way it was. This couldn’t be what He wanted for what scripture calls His bride, we thought. Most days, we toyed around with all the ways we could change it-home churches, small groups, anything to be different, and get away from the controlling tendencies of leaders, pressure to perform, judgmental attitude about faith, and lack of love for people. Church appeared to us as a machine, once the places got big enough things had to keep moving and it lost its focus on Him. Instead the machine had to keep working. There are kids to be taught scripture, people to be healed, chairs to be stacked, cars to be parked, space to be found, sermons to be preached, worship songs to be practiced, and bigger and better outreaches to evangelize “the lost.”
It’d been a long time since I’d been moved emotionally by a service. I remember during this "break" I went one night to somewhat of a revival. I went forward because the preacher called up people who were having trouble believing in God. I felt a stirring in my gut, so I went forward, what did I have to lose? It wasn’t so much that I wondered if God really existed, it’s just there were so many things in my life that I’d been taught that seemed to contradict who I really thought He was. So I went forward in my heart saying I wanted to know Him, just Him, not through a preacher’s filter. As I approached the stage, another pastor there asked if He could pray with me, He started speaking words to me about my life (words of knowledge is what they call them-when someone doesn’t know anything about you but hears from God and it confirms in you that He is real) but these words were so off. He even told me to go get a brochure in the back and walk through the steps to get saved. I thought I’d already been saved and I was so disappointed, because I really wanted God to do something Amazing, something that would snap me out of my anti-church funk.
Fortunately, that night did. It’s been a slow process, but what I need from Him-can’t be found in a church. I’d always heard it can’t be found in a friendship, your kids, or even your spouse-but no one ever said it can’t be found at church. I thought that’s where you were supposed to find IT. (Whatever it was to me at the time). The problem is that church is run by human beings. We are all imperfect and so is the church. I had my expectations in the wrong place. I expected the things of God to come through the church experience. It’s not to say that they can’t, but mainly I think the deep things of God come from Him, directly. He shows up in a sunset, speaking deeply to your heart. A song on the radio moves you to tears. A book gives some insight into how He really feels for you and what He wants from you.
No person can be counted on for expressing His thoughts, feelings, and wisdom. It really has to come from Him. It’s much harder to live this way, though. No particular theology or doctrine that you base your life on-I’m sure this statement alone will scare the hell out of people. It’s just no theology or doctrine that’s ever been written down, has ever come from a perfect person. The Bible is the recorded story of God and it's not that I'm so worried about, it’s the interpretation of the Word that concerns me. Entire movements in Christianity have been based on man’s interpretation of the Word. Those interpretations have led to things like the Crusades, Rice Christians, even genocide in Rwanda (I can explain-the LRA). At the deepest part of their heart, somehow these god-driven leaders were convinced they were doing what God wanted; they had a version of the Truth, which led them to actions that hurt so many.
So many churches are run based on man’s interpretation of the Word-and walk down paths Jesus might never have gone down. I am not trying to hurl judgment on leadership here. I am just starting to realize at 29, that I don't know things-deep things about God. At best, on my most spiritual day-I know HIM..I feel HIM, I think about the sacrifice of Jesus and I am banking on that. But I am NOT a judge-a discerner of truth for others-I am not my brother's filter. I am having a hard enough time living live simply-loving God and my brother. I am going to try very hard to not condemn the places I've been, but I want to move on and live my life differently than I used to in those places. Sure, at times I get frustrated and feel like condemning them, but for now...I'm going to try love. Don't expect us at the next service in the area any time soon, but Dave and I hope that people will feel peace, comfort, kindness, joy, love and all the other many blessings we have from God, when they are around us. In order for anyone to give off those things sincerely, we must stop judging. Many places my friends worship are not for me right now, but that doesn't make them wrong.
Maybe all of these thoughts are just too simple, too liberal, too general...whatever they are they're mine and as far as I know I am still His.

Lately, we've spent a lot of our time working on the house we just purchased. It's fun to finally be a homeowner. It's a cute house, and a great purchase, for a first home. It seems that all is settling back in here in Ohio, but I find myself longing for the weather, beach, and activities California has to offer. For now, we will stay and enjoy our friends and family here. I am planning on working on another degree, starting this Fall. That should keep me busy for a while. It is kind of difficult deciding what to study, I am leaning towards a teaching certificate, or my master's with a teaching certificate. We'll see...